"The soul who sins shall die" Ezekiel 18:4
"And they were judged each one according to his works." Revelations
20:13-15
"Depart from me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels" Matthew 25:41
"The Lord is .... not willing that any should perish but that all should
come to repentance" 2 Peter 3:9
"God.... now commands all men everywhere to repent" Acts 17:30
"...Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures,.." I Corinthians 15:3-4
"For whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans
10:13
"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth." Psalm 145:18
"if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9
"If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me..." John 12:26
The answer to that question might be closer than you think. I would love to meet with you. I believe we might find an answer in the Bible to help that "distant feeling" relationship improve.
It might be helpful to fully understand what baptism meant to you as a child. It would also be helpful for you to understand what the Lord asks of you to be a follower of His. You may have made a decision as a child, but you are not a child any more. The question is: are you holding on to a child's decision when its not yet your adult commitment? It sounds to me like one might be holding on to something to be his/her "insurance" for heaven. This isn't the way to have assurance for heaven.
To doubt the existence of God because there is evil in the world is to be blind to the evidence that says there is a Creator. The Lord God did do something about the evil and hate in this world. He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. Man's sin is the root problem for all the evil and hate in this world. Sin came as a result of man's free will to rebel against the Lord God.
What I have found to work better than counseling is to take a Christian marriage class together. I believe it isn't the present issues that got you where you are at today, but a need to begin all over again, and on the correct foundation.